


those strong arms

by girlwithacrown



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Body Image, Coming Out, Darkness, Denial, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay For You, Happy Ending, Hogwarts, Light Angst, M/M, Marauders, Marauders' Era, Scars, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-01-04
Packaged: 2019-10-03 17:09:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17288102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/girlwithacrown/pseuds/girlwithacrown
Summary: Remus finds a way to cover one of his secrets but Sirius, as always, finds out. Sirius is faced with angry Remus and with some hard hitting self-realisation, something he is not used to deal with.





	those strong arms

Sirius just could not wrap his head around it. Of course, Remus had mastered keeping secrets and Sirius had lived with this. Ever since the mysterious boy had entered their compartment at the Hogwarts Express in their first year, Sirius had made it his life's worth to first discover a secret of Remus Lupin and then trying to protect it however he could. For fuck sake, he learned how to be an animagus for him! Something so complicated- he had sworn never to work this hard in his life ever again. But this ... this came just out of nowhere.  
Remus and Marlene? Just the thought of it seemed ridiculous. But with this conclusion, Sirius seemed to be alone. James was just thrilled for his friend and Peter was just so happy to follow whatever you put in front of him that he did not even ask twice.

He was in a mood. He could not even look at them, sitting next to each other, barely touching. He knew this was not right. So he stood up mumbling something about Quidditch practice and stormed away.

There was just no chance of being in a romantic relationship with Monny and not touching him every single second he was around. If he were in Marlene's robes, he would definitely be all over Remus all the time... like, ALL THE TIME. Kissing his stupid face, tracing those ridiculous dangerous looking scars he tried to glammer so they were barely visible. But he knew the truth. He knew the real Remus. His wild beauty. His unrested footprints in the wake of the full moon. His gorgeous freckled strong arms. Sirius ran his hand through his dark hair. Those fucking strong arms. He needed a fag.  
It was common knowledge that the Charms classroom was always empty at Friday afternoons when Flitwick had his Bridge club at the Three Broomsticks. 

Sirius settled on the stone stairs leading up to the professor's office, using one of the big books as a pillow. Without the warming fire, the classroom was freezing at this time of the year. Cursing that he did not bring a jumper he unfolded the invisibility cloak and used it as a blanket. Thank Godric, he had planned to sneak into the potions inventory later.

The first cigarette was an angry one. Why hadn't talked Remus with him about his feelings for Marlene? Why did he never talk about his feelings anyway? Why did he keep such an important thing from him?  
The second cigarette was little less angry.  
Why was it so important to him anyway? If Remus liked to snog Marlene he should be happy for them. To snog Remus... his strong arms touching him... every freckle its own star. Why was his head always circling back to this part?  
Sirius was about to lit the third cigarette when he heard the door of the classroom open.

"This was good"  
Oh no, it was Marlene and Sirius could only imagine to well who was with her. He made himself ready to stand up, but then...  
"Do you think they bought it?" Marlene's question hit Sirius hard and he forgot that he was supposed to stand up and make himself noticeable.  
"Maybe we should hold hands tomorrow..." Remus sighed.  
"Yeah about that", Marlene's voice sounded very unsure, "we have to figure out how we deal with the whole touching thing".  
Remus laughed: "They already think that I am a prude".  
"True! I thought that too actually" she was a bit embarrassed to say, but you could hear a smile in her voice. "I think they think that of me as well". There was a small pause and Sirius almost died with the desire to peek over the stairs stone barrier. Then they both exhaled at the same time: "No, just gay", they started giggling; otherwise they could have heard Sirius gasping for air. "It's so good to say it out loud", Marlene's voice beamed, "Thank Godric I found that magazine of yours". Remus let out a small, embarrassed cough. Sirius rolled his eyes... which magazine? Another secret?

Remus' wolf senses had caught on. "Can you smell smoke, Marlene?"  
"No".  
"Cigarette smoke I mean"  
"No... ahem, anyways I have Quidditch practice now. Ravenclaw left us their spot because half the team is in the hospital wing. Random Ravenclaw science experiment gone wrong or something. You want to walk me?" The wolf in Remus sniffed, searching the air for further evidence. "Okay... so... see you later then... Honey?" Remus looked at her funny. "Never mind, we work on that part" and she was out of the room. 

Remus had perfected to shut away most of his wolf senses for most of the time. Otherwise, it would just have been unbearable to live in a castle full of hormone-driven teenage witches and, even more so, wizards. But once triggered it was hard to settle them again. "I know it's you, Sirius". He was angry but it only came out as a whisper.

Sirius got up, the invisibility cloak still wrapped around him and appeared as a floating head before his friend, an unlit cigarette still in his mouth.  
"You could not just leave this secret to be my own?"  
"Moony, I did not want to listen in..."  
"Oh don't Moony me. Not you, not now."  
"What do you mean by that?"  
"Oh Moony, ever snogged a girl? Oh, Moony get a girlfriend... OH MOONY YOU ARE SUCH A PRUDE."  
Sirius did not know what to say.  
"Not everyone is the heir to a pureblood house. Not everyone is on the Quidditch team and looks good without a shirt on. Not everyone WANTS TO SNOG EVERY GIRL. NOT EVERYONE IS AS BEAUTIFUL AS YOU, SIRIUS. SOME OF US ARE JUST UGLY GAY WEREWOLVES TRYING TO GET THROUGH SCHOOL"  
Sirius, only whispering: "disinherited heir".  
"OH FOR FUCK SAKE"

Remus stormed out of the room. He knew Sirius could keep a secret. He just had wished that it would not have to be this one. 

The third cigarette was a confused one. Sirius just lay on the floor of the classroom where Remus had left him standing. Watching the blue smoke had a calming effect on him. He still felt betrayed, but somehow Remus being gay was way less bad than Remus being romantic with Marlene.

The forth cigarette was one of self-realization, which was very confusing. Sirius always had exactly known what he wanted: get into any other house than Slytherin, finding friends that are not pureblood maniacs, get into the Quidditch team to defeat Slytherin, look dangerously good in muggle clothes to defy his family, snog with as many non-pureblood girls to further piss of his parents. Becoming an animagus for Remus. Keeping and protecting the secret of Remus. Watching out for Remus. The only things he had ever done for the sake of somebody else and despite they where hard had been for Moony. Lovely, strong, strange, clever Moony. He felt ashamed. He really was a self-centered wanker! 

The fifth cigarette seemed to be all for self-pity - sliding back in a well know Black scheme. He had bullied Remus into lying to them, into hiding himself in a fake relationship. When he really should have to know that to Sirius it did not matter - everyone knew that he owed his inheritance to a gay Black, a gay Black was as common as a freckled apple - most of them just married their cousin anyway. By shaming Remus to practical do the same, he was not better than his family. So the self-pity went on. But then Sirius realized something: "Not everyone can be as beautiful as you", Remus had yelled at him. Well, he thought to himself, IT IS common knowledge to everyone who ever met me, that I AM beautiful. But never the less, hearing it from the strange boy's mouth seemed something entirely new. His mouth. A mouth that definitely did not like to kiss Marlene. No girl indeed. But boys? Maybe some boys? Maybe him? Because he called him beautiful.  
Oh, Godric, his eyes open widely with the expression of realization: I fancy Remus Lupin.

×××

To someone who was so self-assured as Sirius Black, self-realization did not come very often. But when it hit, it hit hard. He had completely forgotten about Quidditch practice and wandered around the castle not knowing whether to seek Remus out immediately or to avoid him altogether. 

His thoughts jumped around. Remus had not wanted him to know, ergo Remus had not wanted to tell him, ergo he was not gay for him. BUT he had said that he was beautiful AND that he looked good with his shirt off. This thought made Sirius hearth jump. Remus looked good with his shirt of, whenever Sirius had gotten a glimpse of it anyway. The big scars took nothing away from his strong body, but really just enhanced it, defined his muscles with an extra layer of dangerousness and adventure. Why did he have to be so cool and totally oblivious about it? 

Sirius kicked a scrambled piece of parchment, striking the hunchbacked witch statue. Thanks to Remus' reveal he hadn't had proper lunch and he could never refuse a sugar quill. Also, this way he would be out of the castle and could clear his mind. Maybe he could bring back some chocolate for Moony as well. "No this can't be made ok with chocolate. Ok fine now I am talking to myself. Bravo"

He never had been good with excuses or even romantic affairs. Snogging usually just did the trick with girls. Pointing his wand against the statue and mumbling the incarnation his thought wandered further. Did he even like girls? He liked hat they liked him of course ...  
He ducked into the statue into the darkness of the tunnel but could not finish his thoughts. Something had been in his feet way and he crashed onto the dirty floor. 

"Sirius, how did you find me? I thought James has the map for your stupid potions stunt."  
"Hiya Moony". Sirius was at his feet again, stretching his bruised arm.  
"Bloody good eyes of yours. Can you make some light? I think I lost my wand in the fall."  
"Sirius. What. Do. You. Want?"  
"Ok, no light then. Just leave me in the dark. Like you do." 

There was no response and Sirius felt urged to just keep on talking, circling in the darkness. "Didn't you think for one second that I would support you? Am I not your friend? That I would not do everything to make you happy? That I don't want you to be happy?"  
"Sirius stop, you will fall ag-".  
But Sirius had already tripped over. This time being caught by Remus' strong arms. He resumed his normal, elegant posture as if nothing had happened. "Did you not think that I would not care as long as you are happy and that I would not defend you with my life?"  
They were standing so close that Sirius could feel the anger of Remus' voice vibrating: "I am not your charity project. I am not anyone's charity project. What do you think? That I can out myself to the world and find a most amazing, gallant boyfriend to make out with and be happy? Have you not seen me? It's a wonder that not everyone has caught up on my secret. That I am still at school, THAT I AM ALLOWED TO BE HERE!"  
"We are not talking about you being gay anymore, are we?"  
"Sirius. It does not matter. A GAY WEREWOLF? I mean, how bad can it get?"  
"I don't think it's that bad".  
"Yeah, because you think it's cool to be different, a badass, a no-good. ... But you can go back to being a pureblood prat in a second. Not everyone has that privilege."  
The anger in Remus' voice had been replaced by sadness or was he just tired?

"Remus, I would never... This is not rebellion! THIS IS ME. LIVING MY LIFE and no one can dictate me to live it any different."  
"Well then congrats, mate. You got it all figured out".  
"You know what? You are unbelievable! Oooh, I am a werewolf, oh I am gay, oh I have scars. Nobody fancies me! WELL, I THINK YOU ARE GORGEOUS AND I FANCY YOU AND YOU CAN DO NOTHING ABOUT IT! SO HOWS ABOUT THAT" Sirius yelled the last part although he was inches away from the other boys face.  
"You fancy ... me?"  
"Well, maybe I needed a little push. But now I know. And now you know. And I will NEVER take it back."  
"You fancy me now because you now know that I am gay?"  
"I fancy you now because now I know that I fancied you for a long time and you drive me crazy and it drives me crazy that you could be with someone else and I would really appreciate some light now".  
"Lumos"

They stood inches apart. Both heated from the discussion and from something else entirely.  
"Sirius, you got dirt on your face" and with this, he reached for the other boys face. Those strong hands.  
And then they kissed.  
And they kissed.  
And they kissed.  
And then Sirius asked: "Do you really think that you are ugly?"  
"I am a torn to pieces and mended again beansprout with gorilla arms and fucking freckles. So forgive me if I don't think I can win the Hogwarts beauty pageant".  
With this Sirius slowly unbuttoned his shirt.  
"No need to show off, Black", his voice not too serious but tempted.  
"It should have been a surprise for your birthday. But now with these new developments, you would have found it early enough. Ahm ... my wand please"  
"Accio wand. Oh, Sirius what the holy griffin have you done now?"  
Sirius whispered an incarnation over his right half. The glammer was lifted and Remus almost fainted. There, on the right side of his best friends upper body, just underneath his collarbone was a huge wolf howling to a full moon, the shapes of 3 animals lurking in the blue shadow.

"And you did this before you realized that you fancy me?  
"I just wanted to be as cool as you .. and James talked me out of scarification"  
Remus shook his head in disbelieve: "I fancy an absolute nutter"  
"So you ARE GAY FOR ME".

**Author's Note:**

> please write some feedback :)


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